Manic Ménière’s Monday

I have a disorder. It has affected me from the time I was 15 and it will be something I will have for the rest of my life. For years, I have been in denial that I have it. i’ve always been a strong, independent warrior of a women. Nothing can get me down.  Then, like a cruel joke, I’m hit with vicious, relentless symptoms of disabling vertigo, nausea, vomiting, numbing hands,  brain fog, and constant ringing of my ears. Not to mention the progressive low frequency hearing loss that makes it difficult these days for me to hear anyone on my left side.

I have recently been hit with an 11 day continuous bout of Menieres. I was dizzy, light headed, my ears ached so deeply.  I could barely function at work and was sent home twice to go straight to bed. My roommate came home and found me in bed miserable and barely able to move. Even the tiniest movement made my head spin. My roommate sprawled out across me, concerned and unsure of what to do.  I sensed she was uneasy with seeing me in the state I was in.  It’s a question I am asked often by friends and family. “What can I do?” The sad truth is, there isn’t anything they can do. Although, I love wholeheartedly when people keep me company so I don’t feel so utterly alone when I’m hit with my illness.

In the past 5 days, some light has been shed on why my body has been rebelling against me. For those with a chronic illness, it’s maddening, heartbreaking, frustrating, and sometimes down right depressing to be completely at the mercy of your body. I can control everything else in my life…..but this. I’ve been a vegetarian for the last year. I decided to go veggie for a multitude of reasons but one of the main ones was FOR my Meniere’s. As it turns out, it was doing more harm than good. I was informed by my acupuncturist last week that I have a blood deficiency and a spleen deficiency. The spleen is nourished by the proteins in meat. And guess what I haven’t been eating for the last year.  Meat.

After hours of research and reading articles about how some people’s bodies just can’t handle vegetarianism well, I realized, I am one of those people. I’ve become more susceptible to illness around my cycle. My cycles have been more painful and exhausting than ever. I develop sick symptoms every time. Fever, chills, malaise and more recently Meniere’s symptoms. In addition to my deficiency’s, I have learned through NET ( neuro emotional therapy) that stress is my biggest trigger which stems from a traumatic event from when I was 9 years old. It’s amazing what can affect the body. I sat in my chiropractor’s office, tears streaming down my face, hopeful that I had possibly found some sort of relief. Everything fell into place and made sense. My body needs to be nourished. As does my mind and soul. My body has been giving me clues the entire time, however, I wasn’t listening to the right cues. Therefore it reacted with some serious ailments to make me open my eyes to find the root of the problem.

Since I am a Meniere’s patient, we are more susceptible to depression. I allow my depression to get the best of me at times. I stop working out. I stop writing. I stop doing things that fill me with joy. My body suffers by gaining weight and I become stressed out about the weight I’ve gained. Doing things I like, hiking, walking, running, biking becomes difficult after months of non practice which makes me feel discouraged. I stop reading which helps keep my brain active and inspired. I stop meditating which helps keep me centered. I stop practicing yoga which helps keep me limber, relaxed, and elevated. I haven’t stopped to really look at what my current lifestyle, diet and my mental and emotional state have been doing to me.

I have started to push myself to walk every other day. I also started hiking again. My lungs weren’t too happy about that. But after hike numbero tres,  I was able to do the entire hike without stopping. Was I huffy and puffing the whole way there?  YES….but I felt amazing afterward. I even want on my first run. And here I am today, craving a work out. My symptoms are mostly gone, just lingering tinnitus remains which is tolerable.

I feel for those with Chronic Illness. It’s so hard and the last 2 years, I have done it without the use of medicine.  I find relief in the form of holistic healing and I am such an advocate of alternative medicine.  I’ve found that acupuncture, chiropractic adjustments, massage, herbal supplements, and other things such as energy healing ( Reiki and Sound healing) have done absolute wonders for me. I had been prescribed two medications a few years back at the onset of my worst Meniere’s symptoms and had such terrible experiences with both. I was prescribed Valium and Ativan for anxiety and in turn was having hallucinations. When I alerted my doctor he just told me to cut the pill in half, not really providing any help. Secondly I was prescribed a water pill also known as  Triamterene which helps to reduce fluid buildup but also landed me in the ER with Hypokalemia. Hypokalemia is a deficiency of potassium in the bloodstream which  is a potentially life-threatening imbalance. After I was released, I threw all my pills away and looked into a holistic approach to handling my illness.

Although I have relief today, I know that I will experience some bumps in the road and I have a ways to go to help start healing myself. I am thankful for alternative medicine and the resources and the job I have which allows me to get the help I need. I am thankful for understanding friends and compassionate co-workers/boss who accept that I have an illness that sometimes interferes with me functioning completely.

I would have found it hard initially to be thankful for my symptoms flaring up, but I am as it’s helped me realize the healing I need and the road I must go down to really truly help myself.

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A Wake Up Call

Recently, I haven’t been able to write. I have had a severe writer’s block. And well hello, I haven’t written since February. So much in life has changed and I have been dealing with my own personal growth, taking on a second job, the ups and downs of dating, and still getting over my ex. It’s been a lot to contend with and I find myself without a computer at home ( well I do but that thing has one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel) but today I figured I’d write about my wake up call and my attempts to break the cycle of the heartache I’ve experienced over the last 1/12 years. I know it’s long, but this is what happens after you haven’t written in 9 months.

I have been dating but I have become so frustrated, hurt, and still reeling from my break up that I had decided I didn’t want anything and I had all about accepted that this is what it’s supposed to be like. I had begun to think I didn’t deserve a nice guy. Afterall, what decent guy would want a girl who hasn’t finished school, had to work two jobs to get by, and had nothing real to offer? I had begun to convince myself that was all true.  Any decent guy would look at me and see I was a mess with a tattered childhood and a broken home. A hole in my heart from losing my brother and stitches of mistrust from repairing heartbreak after heartbreak.

I’ve been hanging out with a certain crowd that I was able to get attention from. It made me feel good but it was fleeting and short-lived and to be honest not the good kind of attention. And while I was in the moment, I smiled and blushed. However, upon reaching my home, a sense of loneliness and regret would wash over me.  And I was beginning to be ok with that. Just another lost girl. I’ve allowed myself to believe that I was only face value. I had begun to develop feelings for one in particular and after spending an entire weekend with him, while I was in bed with him one morning, he asked me how I felt about him bringing other girls around. And I know you are all too familiar with the pit in the stomach feeling. I felt sick to my stomach and I felt tears beginning to well up in my eyes. “Being with me wasn’t enough?”,  I thought to myself.  And in that moment, all I could tell him was, we weren’t together and he could do whatever he wanted and I promptly picked up my belongings and left without saying a word. Tears fell from my eyes the second I closed the door and I hid my face from anyone I passed by. I walked back to my room ashamed, angry, and disgusted. I had lost my way.  It was this moment; I realized I was looking in all the wrong places. My heart didn’t belong in the hands of an “outlaw” or “bad boy.”  I knew that I was just another girl to him. That if it weren’t me, it’d be someone else. And if I weren’t around, I wouldn’t even be an afterthought.

Don’t’ get me wrong, I’m not a bitter gal and I don’t think all men are jerks but I can recognize when I’m putting myself in the wrong circles and when I’m putting myself with people who have a troubled past. And although I don’t judge people, I do know that for my own life, there are certain things I want…..and don’t want to invite into my life.

I spent my weekend with a group of friends I haven’t seen in ages. I moved from my hometown when I was 17 and I haven’t looked bad. I felt trapped and like I didn’t belong.  But in that brief moment, with people I have known for more than 10 years, I felt home. I felt safe. I felt that the things I have been doing were just to go through the motions to cover up the pain from my breakup and to convince myself that I was ok. And in this small group of friends that I’ve met from all walks of life, I knew that there were certain things I needed to pull away from. I saw how people were supposed to interact, what my social life should consist of,  how nice men were supposed to be and that gentlemen still exist. I saw a glimpse of what my life should be like and not the life I have been trying to convince myself was for me.

I missed my hometown. I missed my friends to death. I missed the part of me that wouldn’t put up with crap. I missed the part of me that knew I deserved better and I had such beautiful people to remind me of this.  I appreciated so much while sitting on my good friend Holli’s floor, watching my friends laugh and drink. I looked into the eyes of someone healing their own wounds and saw how strong he was. The sorrow so heavily in his eyes but a light still shined. And in that beautiful peaceful moment, I asked myself, what have you been doing Lacey? I thought about the advice I had been giving my own girlfriends and asked myself how could I instill  such hope but be left with none of my own? I circled the golden bourbon in my glass and watched everyone just happy living in the moment. I sat with four close friends who had been broken, yet still had this glimmer of hope. I wanted that back. So I sat, with hands entwined with a friend I hadn’t seen in years, and rested my head on a strong shoulder and took it all in. What a beautiful, sweet memory.

 Don’t ever sell yourself short. Wake up and break the cycle.

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Amazon’s Guide to Getting Through a Rough Week

I have recently gone through some events that have not only made me want to pull out my hair but also light people on fire. Figuratively speaking of course.

Throughout this last week, I have become a hermit. I shut everyone out and stayed at home which is very unusual behavior for myself as going out and doing things always helps me feel better, but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to unhermit. However, I am always the type to try and bring myself out of a funk so here are some helpful words from the Amazon that worked for me and have me feeling better.

1) Make Your Home Your Sanctuary- I don’t really stay at home. I don’t really like being at home. I like to be out and about and the issue I have had in the past is my home was so bare, that when I was stuck at home, I was miserable. My room now is nice and cozy. I have comfy pillows, a memory foam topper, a down topper, and I am well stocked with tea. Make sure you have comfy sheets as well. Currently I have soft flannel sheets that I look forward to at the end of each day. I have hung pieces of art that I like to look at, I keep plenty of reading material and my yoga mat is always within arms reach. Also I can not stress, keeping a clean bedroom, will make your room feel very comforting. Nothing is more stressful for me when I have a bad day and come home to a messy room. When I come home to a clean and made up room, it makes me feel like this is the one balanced thing in my life. Never underestimate the power of taking 15 seconds in the morning to make your bed and put your clothes away.

2) Cry- CRY! Scream! Yell! Do whatever it takes to get those icky feelings out. I know it sounds like it will only exacerbate the situation but to me, I actually turn on music that makes me feel emotional to help get it all out. Sometimes I get it all out in like 20 minutes, sometimes it takes about an hour. But crying is healthy, don’t hold it in.

3) Vent to a Friend- Your real friends will be there no matter what. Don’t ever feel bad to ask them to listen to you. That’s what friends are for. And if your friends are too busy or say no well then, those people aren’t friends at all. Friends are amazing for the health and sometimes they don’t have to say anything at all…just the fact that you can say what’s on your mind.

4) Retail Therapy- Obviously don’t go crazy if you don’t have the funds, but sometimes buying something nice for yourself will boost your spirits. For me, I buy a cute outfit or makeup. And you don’t have to max out your credits. Find one or two things that will make you happy. For me, there’s nothing more satisfying after a long day, week, then finding something that boosts your spirits. Also kind of gives more meaning to your purchase. Last week I bought a super cute, bright, happy wallet clutch that makes me just a little happier just looking at it. And I only spent $15 on it from Target.


How could this not make you happy?

5) Cuddle- If you can, cuddle with someone who means a lot to you. Whether it be your bf, a close friend, or your furry friend. With cuddling, you don’t even need to say a word. Just the mere comfort of a person or a pet who loves you, can alleviate all the pain in the world, even if it’s just temporary. I chose not to share my issue with my person because I wanted to make the most of our time together and not bring down the mood, however, I knew he could sense that something wasn’t quite right. He even asked me if I was doing alright. I said everything was fine. I laid my head on his shoulder and he just held me. I didn’t need to say anything but I lived in that moment.

6) Pamper- if you can’t afford to get professionally pampered, DIY! I cannot emphasize enough how wonderful Epsom Salt is. If you’re a bath person, get yourself some epsom salt and take a well deserved epsom salt bath. It won’t make it all disappear but you’ll feel relatively better and the weight that’s on your chest will be slightly lifted.

I also pamper my face ( which is usually puffy and blotchy from crying) and I either buy the little face masks packets  from Target ( my personal favorite is the Witch Hazel and Tea Tree Oil one) or I slap some egg yolk on my face for about 15 minutes. This is also where keeping a couple spoons in your freezer, comes in handy for puffy eyelids. Go get your nails done in a fun color. I am normally an abnormal color person ( I prefer blacks, silvers, weird colors) but I decided that something bright and fun on my nails, would give me something bright and fun to look at. I opted for a neon pink/purple with some sparklies.

7) Hermit- Sometimes you just have to hermit. Stay in. Watch movies. Turn your phone off. Have a you day. Sometimes things just get tough and there’s nothing that can do but just chill out. Tell your friends first though before you hermit, if it’s out of your behaviour, so they don’t send a search party for ya or blow up your phone ( which will  only stress you out more) A simple, I need some time to myself should suffice. If they are true friends, they will understand it and even encourage it.

8) Don’t Dwell- there’s a time to be sad but there’s also a time to kick yourself into gear before it turns into a pity party. For me, bad things happen in threes, so I usually prepare for some recovery time to about a day or two….but sometimes things are beyond your control and it might last a little longer. It’s ok to be sad…it’s ok to upset, angry, hurt. Just don’t dwell in the negative energy. Sometimes it’s hard to pull yourself out of it.

9) Distract Yourself with a Hobby and Exercise- I love to bike. I love to write. I love to go for night drives with a cup of tea and I don’t come home until the album I listen to is over. I love yoga. I do all of these things to keep me busy and my mind distracted.Distract yourself. I promise, you’ll be happier forgetting even for just a little awhile.

This post is a tad more on the serious side, but I’m glad I wrote it. Not only do I feel better, but hopefully I can provide some insight from anyone struggling with a rough time. Bad things happen but without those bad things, we wouldn’t grow as people and be prepared for anything that life throws our way.

Good night fellow humanoids, until next time.

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Amazons Guide to Looking Good on A S*itty Day

The last few weeks have been hell on the ol Amazon and lately, after getting ready, I stare into the mirror and sigh and go “ this is as good as it gets” and walk out the door.

I don’t know if I’m having like reverse puberty when every day is just awkward and ugly or if I just need to change the things I’m using but DAMN, I look like a train wreck.

Today I woke up after taking a relaxing Epsom salt bath and a witch hazel mask last night, to a VERY pale and puffy face. My eye balls looked like my roommates shih tzu’s large and bulging eyes and my face seemed twice it’s size. Let’s not even get started on the condition of my hair that I washed a mere two days ago.

So here’s my list of the things I do to tame the ugliness and make an overall bad day into a …I can settle for this day and hope the cute guy who wandered into my building doesn’t cringe into the corner of the elevator at the mere sight of my ghastly self. I’m just being dramatic.  Hahaha.

1)      When your hairs looks like its been home to a few bats and some possible nesting seagulls, the best thing you can do is just put it up. Put it up in a bigger nest to disguise the real nest underneath. I either tease it and roll it down and pin it into what looks like a “fashionable messy bun” when in reality I woke up with a nightmare on my head and I TRICKED you into thinking, I made this mess on purpose.  Or I just put my sock in my hair….SOCK BUN!!!! To the rescue. A little bit oh sock and hairspray usually saves me the pain of contending with my hair. Why it’s so insane I couldn’t tell you.

2)      Bright lipstick. I love nude lipsticks. It’s a staple in my makeup drawer, but pale face and nude lipstick is a recipe for making me look even sicklier than I already do. EW GROSS! So I always vouch for a BRIGHT lipstick that takes the focus off my crusty eyeballs and the dark circles undulating LOOK AT ME!!!!  I like to go for a deep dark red ( I cannot wear bright reds, I look like a Dingo the Clown….and I’m already pale as shit so all I need to do is leave my hair down and slap some bright pink cheeks on…and I’m well on my way to my life in the circus) Anyways…red or a bright pink will do the trick. No light lipsticks. Bad….bad….bad.

3)      White or nude eyeliner- make sure you get a good white eyeliner because the one I have DOES NOT go on smoothly so I’m left with weird white streaks in my waterline and it just makes me look like I don’t know how to handle a eye liner pencil. I invested in a nice nude eyeliner which is seriously my life saver. White can be a little stark too and makes me look kind of…crazy. Look my eyes are WIDE OPEN!!!!  I can SEE you!

4)      DO NOT CAKE YOUR FACE. Ladies….adding pounds of pounds of makeup on a bad day…does not make you look any better. Less is more.  I literally put on concealer, bronzer, bright lipstick, mascara and line that water line and I’m good to go. Skip the powder, skip the foundation.  I’ve found it just makes you look worse and piling more crap on top of the crap already doesn’t make it any better.

5)      Just accept it. Some days you aren’t going to look your best. There have been a few nights I go out and no matter what I do, I just don’t feel or look my best. Accept it. Put on something nice that makes you feel good, my go to outfit is my black skinny jeans, a blank tank, my leather jacket and my purple shoes.  I’m in love with deep purple lipsticks and when I’m having one of those nights where I’m just not….feeling my best, I slap on some deep dark purple….wah la! Never underestimate the power of an all black outfit with dark lip stick. It’s mysterious and no one will ever know that you were feeling blah. Haha.  

6)      I have my favorite perfume of all time. It’s actually a man’s cologne but my friend didn’t know this when she gave it to me but it smells SOOO damn good and I get compliments on it everywhere I go. Its Givenchy PI.  This instantly makes me feel better. It smells good, I smell good And not like a city dump. yay!!! Go me!

7)      Sometimes the inevitable bloat pops up. And no matter how many outfits you put on, that little pooch just…is RIGHT THERE. Poke poke poke. “ Hello Lacey, I’m here to ruin your self esteem and implant untrue thoughts into your head…fatty mcfat fat…buwa hahahaha when all I am is excess water weight but I’ll get into your brain and make you think you’re the size of a king walrus!!! MUWA hahahaha”  You know it’s there and it wants you to KNOW it’s there, and you’ll think everyone in the word is going to stare at it. Do some quick exercise and drink some water. ( I prefer infused water, try putting some sliced lemons into a pitcher over night…..bye bye bloat!!!) Exercise and water will help. I’ll do a few bridge pulses, some crunches, and I do Cassey Ho’s Blogliates for Bloat. It actually works wonders….YOUTUBE!!! And all though it might not get rid of it…it makes things look a little less…prominent. I usually follow this routine when I’m surfing the crimson wave.

I’m writing this because today I literally woke up and went wow….wow…wow…I even slapped on a bit of makeup and still was like…oh man Lace what is going on?! But as the day goes on, the puffiness is going down ( Thank you water and green tea) So when all else fails ladies, accept it! Ugly days happens and that’s what makeup is for. HURRAY!


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Dislikes and Likes of the week

I do not like green eggs and ham, Sam I am. Although I think if they just used green food coloring I’d be ok with this. I love eggs and I went through an entire 18 piece carton ( that’s not right is it?) of eggs in 1 ½ weeks.

1)      I LOVE heels- I have realized I have not bought ANY in a very very long time. Me thinks I must change this. Immediately. After I get paid. Next week.

2)      I dislike immature girls who just because you don’t necessarily get along with them, and you leave em alone and keep a professional civil distance, have to muster up stupid crap to start something when there wasn’t a problem in the first place. I’m ignoring you for a reason sistah!!  You suck. So quiet you!

3)      I like tea. I bathe in it. No literally I do. Green tea. It’s supposed to be amazing. I always feel great after I bathe in green tea. But don’t drink it while you’re in there…because that’s gross.

4)      I dislike my pills for my Meniere’s that make me pee ALL THE FREAKING TIME. I know too much information but I’m a girl with a disorder. I’m going to talk about it from time to time.

5)      I like getting my nails done. But I always feel so awkward sitting there in silence. La la. La la. La la.

6)      I dislike that there is a growing pile of papers I keep putting off on my desk that eventually I need to tackle today. Or set on fire???

7)      I love my phone. I just upgraded to the Galaxy and I will never buy a subpar phone ever again. It is amazing. And I want to name it Fred and knit it a sweater to keep it warm in the winter.

8)      I dislike that I’ve become such a slob the last few weeks since I’ve been on vacation. My car has never been this dirty and my bathroom. GOOD lawd girl.

9)      I like that it’s Friday and that I will be traveling to Hollywood later to have a few lushy beverages with myself.

10)   And one more like for good measure- I like Dillion Francis. That guy is hilarious. And he makes wonderful music too.

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Amazon’s Guide to Surviving the Office

Hopefully you’ve seen “Office Space” to get my reference. And if you haven’t well then…allow me to provide a link to the best office worker of ALL TIME! Well aside from Michael Scott.

I have worked for an office for the last 7 years of my life and every day I wake up and wish that I worked in our own little version of “The Office”. In its own little warped way I guess I do, but those people aren’t nearly as pleasant or funny in real life. Our Dwight Schrute is a little less awkward and a little more disturbing, our Angela is far bitchier and mean, our Oscar is a total dick, and our Michael Scott…well sometimes I just want duct tape his mouth shut when he updates me 10 times a day that his shoes came untied and he needs to tie them.  I’m going to tie those shoelaces around your neck if you don’t stop! That’s my inner monologue.

So this is my “survival” guide to the wild jungle that is …the office.

1)      Don’t Share ANYTHING you don’t want everyone to know- I’ve mastered the art of staying mysterious. Like a thief in the night. or like what are mustache hairs good for on a woman? These women are looking for ANYTHING to talk about, even if it’s your outfit of the day, down to how many poops you’ve taken in a single day. Trust me, they see all! They know all! And they’ll be talking about the size and smell of the dump with all their friends. Bottom line, don’t share personal things that aren’t anybodies business but your own…or your best friend. If you have to tell someone, tell your best friend. That’s what they are for. Or your dog. They are great listeners.

2)      Don’t eat the SWEETS- or just limit yourself. Now some of the ladies will get downright mad at you that you don’t want to sample the homemade boxed cake they made….OH what a delicacy, box  cake!? You must have slaved so hard over this box cake covered in stale chemical cool whip topping.  And at first you might say…”Well amazon, it’s rude to turn it down.” It is not! It is not rude. Who says you must eat the food?!  The amount of food these people bring is astonishing and it all screams…whale!!!!  I am thankfully not partial to the sweets so I can get away with using that as my excuse. But the thing is, I am convinced that this is an evil plot to get you nice and plump. So then they can talk about how you when you first started working here you were fit as a fiddle and then you ballooned out to the size of Violet from “Willy Wonka” and then they can chortle and laugh as you struggle to pull your jeans over the muffin top that never used to exist. OH hello extra pounds, where did YOU come from? And then you are in denial that you gained weight as your jeans grow tighter by the day.

3)      Exercise at Work- Don’t worry I’m not talking about doing sumo power squats in your cubicle because that’s just weird and awkward. Walk!!! My work gives me two 15 minute breaks and a 1 hour lunch. So I hoof it outside. What else am I going to do? More sitting?! I can barely stand sitting all day as it is. I just walk around the building. Get the blood flowin in your stems. Burn off that Jack in the Box breakfast sandwich you regrettably order every day. I burn aprrox 55-65 calories per 15 minute walk! And if I walk at least 15 minutes on my lunch I walk about…1.5-2.0 miles at work alone. Not to mention getting out of a dusty, stuffy, stressed filled building does wonders for ya and makes the day a bit easier to get through. Although on days after the rain, I get to smell the crisp pungent smell of the city dump. SMELL THE AROMAS!!!

4)      Don’t Let One or Three Dicks Ruin Your Day- People are assholes. That’s no mystery. But miserable people prey on decent people, trying to ruin their life force.  They are going to try and choke it out of you….*GASP* till your eyes are bulging out of your head.

 I’ve been here for 7 years and I am no stranger to cruelty, gossip, and just downright nastiness. I’ve been called fat, I’ve been threatened, I’ve been set up ( And that person got caught thankfully), I’ve been gossiped about, I’ve heard that I was pregnant, I’ve heard that I had fake boobs. I’ve heard it all. People are mean but don’t let it get to you. These opinions, gossip, these words are nothing more than that….words. You know who you are and this is just a job. You come in and you only have two people to satisfy, your boss…and yourself.  So chin up kid and realize that when these people are attacking you, they go home, look in the mirror and see everything they hate about themselves.

5)     It’s Only Temporary- If you really can’t stand your job, don’t be like me and stick around. Find something else! Find your passion. Although I do now have stable job history for my resume, I feel like this place has sucked a lot out of me like a lifeless Eggplant. Don’t stand for something that makes you unhappy, get out there. Find something that you won’t absolutely hate. Nobody deserves a miserable environment. This is probably why I drink so much. And now I forgot that I left several empty tall cans on my dresser at home. WHY!!!! Modelo Chelada!!! Do you have to be so good?

You’re not always going to get along with your co-workers. But you can make it easier on the days you want to light the place on fire. And if you’re reaching that point, it might be best to get the hell out because I have a feeling that the reason half these people are jerks in the first place is because they didn’t have the courage to get out while they still could and find something they like. So instead they get bitter about it and take it out on the “new meat” so to speak. But that’s my view on the Office for the day.

Over and Out.

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The Pet Peeves of an Amazon in the Throes of Dating.

Being single after being with someone for so long is weird. It’s like being a sheep among the wolves first of all. Get back I say.. Back!… And you also kind of forget how to do things and even communicate with the opposite sex. I end up asking girlfriends what to do, asking guy friends for advice. Bottom line, I’m a mess. And in the midst of heartache, confusion, and frustration. I have come to the conclusion that I have some serious pet peeves about dating. So… they are.

1)      Men who are afraid of me- This is a huge one. I’m a tall girl. I stand at 5’10 without heels and a staggering 6’3 with heels. I love shoes and I think it takes a lot of confidence for a tall girl like myself to willingly be 6’3. And I love it. But apparently, according to my guy friend, some guys don’t. On numerous occasions I’ve been told I’m intimidating. ME?! Intimidating?! I sit in my room sending numerous snap chats to my friends of ugly faces and Beavis and Butthead impressions. Who is intimidated by a person capable of such nonsensery? ( Yes I am fully aware that this is not a word)  Embrace the Amazon fellows, we are nice tree like people.   I’m no different than that petite 5’2 girl over there, except I won’t take your crap and I can probably beat you up.  Just kidding just kidding….or am I?  🙂

2)      Creeps- Oh creeps. You are really……just the worst. I’ve already had a handful of awkward, inappropriate, outrageous experiences with creeps and it’s enough to just want to swear off of dating all together. I went out on a fairly pleasant date ( or so I thought at the time) and everything was going just fine. The bar we went to was within walking distance of his house so I left my car at his house ( Mistake #1) and enjoyed a few beverages. Well by the time we got back, I was gearing up to leave and had to use the facilities. So I went inside ( Mistake #2) I went to the bathroom and came out to a very naked man. Obviously displeased,I excused myself and told him I was a classy lady and that would most certainly not be happening. His response …rolls eyes “ Is this a second date sort of thing?” deep sigh. If there was ever a moment I wanted to kick someone in the balls….this would be one of those moments. I have sense sworn off going on dates I feel “meh” about. Unless you knock me off my feet the first time I meet ya, sorry pal, it’s been a real slice. And as one of my favorite Disney characters says “ OH, you know men, they think no means yes and get lost means take me I’m yours”

3)      Texting like a 13 year  old Girl- I like to text. I think everyone likes to text. And even though I customize all my favorite people in my phone with different LED blinky lights and sounds so I can get excited at the sound of fart or a bell….I don’t text like I’m incapable of speaking like a normal person. When you’re a 27 year old guy…don’t send girls texts like this “ LOL. How R u? I am just @ work. LOL. So bored. Lol. wat R u doing. Lol?” NO…..NO!!! Where’s my cattle prod because I’m going to…zap you! Stop it!  First of all..enough with the Lol’s. I am not partial to word abbreviations in the first place. Hell, I don’t even use the term “lol” I type out ha ha because…when I’m laughing in person with friends I don’t say… “Laugh out Loud!” That’s ridiculous and creepy. And secondly, if you’re too lazy to type ouf the words are, you, to, too, or even spell what correctly….there’s a problem. Talk like a normal human being. Would you write a thank you card to your grandma spelled like that? Oh wait you probably don’t even write thank you cards!? Well guess what I do. And they are all very thought out thank you very much…I am a champion at thank you cards.

4)  Wishy Washy- Come on guys, I’m not a mind reader. I don’t know if you like me or you only see me as a hook up so do me a favor and don’t play games.  I am not a  game of Parcheesi. And secondly don’t be that guy that says ” You’re such an amazing woman” while holding my face like freaking Gerald Butler in “P.S. I Love you” and kiss me all night and disappear the next day. That sends my brain into …what the fuck mode. And that usually is that awful mind game women like to torture themselves with Did I do something? What if I said something wrong? What if I didn’t do enough? What if I freaked him out? What if I didn’t tell him my feelings and now he feels weird?” It’s not my fault you can’t get your brain and possible mini you in order. If you’re interested, you’re interested. If you’re not you’re not. End of story. There is no in between. I’m smart and I don’t deal with bullshit. If you can’t decide whether you like me or not, you probably aren’t that into me. Don’t worry, I’ll get over it. Although next time you try to tell me all that, I’m not going to be staring at you like an idiot with stars in my eyes.

5) Neediness- Don’t get me wrong. I love romance as much as the next woman does. But I do not like needy men who need to know what I’m doing every second of the day. I do not like men who text me all day long as if they have nothing else better to do with their time, and if I don’t reply within a few minutes, ask me if I’m upset. Some girls might be into the whole, my man’s world revolves around me. I’m not into that. It’s weird and annoying. Relax boys, I’m sure there are some dusty video games that need your attention or maybe some porn you could watch.

6) Forever Alone- I don’t really believe I’ll be forever alone. I’m just being dramatic for blogging purposes. Nothing screams loneliness like sitting on the edge of my bed, clutching a pillow, eating vanilla ice cream drenched in chocolate hard shell, and bawling at heartbreaking documentaries about Orcas. I was a blubbering mess the other day, my hair was in lovely rat’s nest, most likely full of bats in there too, in my favorite sweat pants, red faced and puffy when my roommate came home thinking something was dramatically wrong. And all I can utter is….” Poor Luna! All he wanted was love! And a family! “with a mouth full of ice cream and literally sobbing. For the record, if you want to watch the saddest thing ever you should watch  “The Whale.” And normally my ex would just make fun of me and cheer me up with a smooch, but no, I walked around the house huffing and sighing over the demise of this poor baby Orca with no one to smooch. Me…not the whale. So I hugged the Shih Tzu instead while he stared at me with his big empty eyes going ” What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re squeezing me to death”

And since I’m fairly new to the dating scene, I think that’s all I can think of at this moment. All I can say is…the famous George Carlin quote that I will always…always live by…. ” Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid”

The End.

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My December

I had a very awakening experience tonight and although December has always been a hard month for me, I think that I have finally seen and heard what I need to put my life back together

” Stop living for others Lace, start living for yourself. You have to learn to let go.” 

I love my family and my friends. I am a devout loyal friend, daughter, and sister and I will go to any lengths to make sure those in my life are happy and are protected. I guess that’s why I lost a sense of who I was after my brother committed suicide 3 years ago. The words that have rung in my head over and over are of pure guilt and self hatred. I should have done more. I should have talked to him about this. I should have seen him more, given him advice, gotten him help. I truly felt that had I done all those things, he would still be here. It’s your fault I have beat myself up over it for years, the downtrodden eldest sister ashamed that I couldn’t protect what was nearest and dearest to me, my younger brother. I will admit that there have been times I have felt sorry for myself. ” No one understands!” I would cry….but people do. ” You don’t know what it’s like” ….but they do. I just insisted on denying it. I’m not the only person to experience loss and suffering but I felt so alone. I felt I had no one to relate to. My friends seemed so different as I a morphed into a dark cloud of despair and negativity,  wanting nothing but to be left to mourn the death of my little brother. Fearful that if I ever stepped out from my little cloud, all would be lost.

Pain is all too familiar in my family and I am a tough cookie but nothing could have prepared me to face the most horrific day of my life. My world shattered that night.

I have begun to heal and although there is not a day I don’t have sad pangs, I have begun to live life as I used to. 

Tonight…2 days after the 3rd anniversary of  my brother’s passing, I have had an awakening. A painfully sad yet relieving awakening. A silent moment with myself where I could be honest with myself about who I am and what I have become. Although I am moderately happy with what I see, there is still so much missing. I know what I want and where I am supposed to be. I have dreams and aspirations I have set aside…because I was afraid I would lose my brother’s memory forever. I didn’t want to become engrossed in other things to “forget” him But in that, I lost such a big part of myself. The truth is and I know now, that my brother will always be alive inside my heart, and I know that he would only want the best for me, as I did for him. As I sit here and write this through pouring tears, I realize how much passion and valor I have lost myself and I want that back. I don’t want to drown in the sadness, I want to live for him, do wonderful things in his memory, do things…for him. 

It has been a long, hard, tough road Brandon, but I will never forget our memories, the lessons you instilled me, the chaos you created, the excitement I had when you were born and got to come home, the love I always had for you, even when we were apart due to family circumstances. I just need a little help rekindling that fire and getting it to burn and I know that through him…I can find myself again.

RIP Brandon Michael Trevino 05/06/1991-12/08/2010
” You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear,how much I love you, please don’t take my sunshine away” 

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For Everything a Reason

The hurt that the head forgets, the heart will always remember
The hold that the hand regrets, the heart remembers forever – Carina Round “Do You”

I have not written in a long time as my sadness over my recent break-up has been overwhelming. But it has now been nearly 5 months and I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that it’s really over. There are still days that I cry, there are still days that I miss him so much it hurts, and with the fastly approaching impending holidays, I think I may be in for a rough holiday.

Since 2009, I have spent every Christmas with my ex’s family. I flew up to San Jose and spent about a  week having the best week of my life. My brother passed away Dec. 2010, so that has always made my holidays a little darker than normal. Now, I just want to crawl into a bat filled cave and not come out until New Year’s. I am not looking forward to this year’s holiday season.

Although there is a dark sad cloud that hovers over me, I still have managed to see the light. I still talk to my ex and we parted amicably. In fact, I met up with him and caught up with him a few weeks ago.  It did make me sad to see that there is still such a strong love and care for one another, but unfortunately, things didn’t pan out. It saddens me really, we really saw the best in each other. However, I do know that it’s time for me to start moving on and to stop wallowing in my what if’s. It is what it is.  It’s natural for me to put a lot of blame on myself. So over the years, I’ve always felt I’m at fault, I have to rush to fix things, I have to be the one who says sorry first. I’ve been like that in every relationship, friendship or romantic. I do not like conflict. I am tempted to sit here and go over what I could have done differently, why someone I dedicated so much love, time, and my life to…decided it wasn’t worth continuing. I blamed myself for a while for this whole thing until I saw an episode of “New Girl” where Schmidt tells Jess about how he had to “white fang” CeCe.  The quote that sticks out in my mind is “ When you really care about someone, you do what’s best for them, no matter how much it sucks for you” And as lame as it sounds, my breakup, made sense. Don’t laugh. I know, I know. I’m comparing life to an episode of “New Girl.”  But I suddenly knew why my ex, did what he did.

However, in these last few months, there is a light. However, this is going to be my esoteric light. This will not be something I touch on very much and something I’ve only shared with a few very close close friends. I will say though, when I’m in the moment, I don’t think about anything else.

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs for inspiration to start writing again or merely just to peer into the mind of another like minded soul ( including my bestie’s newly designed blog …hope she doesn’t mind me giving her a minor shout out …..READ HERE!! and even though it’s the middle of the month, I am going to start taking a photo a day and writing about my experience, what it means to me, etc. etc. you get the point. . I know those are normally reserved for the start of the month but….I figure…why wait?

So I’m going to wrap up this rather…sad blog and tomorrow, I will begin again, with a happy one. Or maybe today, I’ll post a photo of something that makes me happy. Like Fluffy, the smelly  Shih Tzoo and his undying love for rubbing his face on my straight out of the drawer sheets. But I can’t blame him. The flannel sheets are on….HURRAY!

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Things I Should Be Doing Every Day…. But I Don’t……

There are a million things I like to do or interested in. But I don’t always follow through. Eeep so I figured I’d try blogging about it and maybe seeing what I’m missing out on would help give me the push I need.

1) Doing yoga everyday. Now I love yoga. It makes me feel fantastic. Why I don’t take 20-30 minutes of my day to focus on feeling better and centered is beyond me.

2) Reading a chapter of a book each day.  I used to love to read. I need to take that up again

3) Spending at least 20 minutes each day outside. 

4) Flossing. I will admit. I’ve gotten better at this since my last awful bleeding everywhere visit to the dentist.

5) dedicating at least a hour per day to my book. The world must know my science fiction tale of darkness and deceit!

6)  Live in the moment. That enjoying a cup of relaxing tea should be about savoring that cup of tea,  not about my stresses

7) not stressing out at work. Stress is a trigger for Menieres.  The sooner I look at the pile on my desk and realize it’s only 2 days worth or dedicated work, the better off I’ll be.

8) Meditating. I’ve made this a core requirement for my required Sunday Spa Day. Thinking I should take 10 minutes before bed to meditate and clear my mind.

9)  Make My bed. Hahaha now this is normally something I do. But sometimes I can’t drag myself out of bed on time so I run around like a nut getting ready for work. Coming home to a clean room…. Equals happy lace.

10) Remind myself that no matter hard it seems now, it’s all temporary. 

11) do a craft or hobby.  I’ve been dying to melt the shit out of some crayons on a canvas. And I felt the only way I could describe how badly I want to do that was say it that way.  Melt the shit out of some crayons. Hahaha.

12) put a little money aside each day to plan a special day with my Hansel.

13) Make sure my friends know I love them for who they are and appreciate them. And also check in with my family often. I was raised in a strange fashion so I sometimes forget that’s sometimes it’s nice to hear a hello or an I love you. 

And I think that’s it for now. 🙂 perhaps I’ll think of things later but I think that’s good for now. I think focusing on trying to make sure I do all of those each day… I’ll be less stressed and happier.

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